A Perspective

  ~Don't count the days, make the days count~
                                                                        -Muhammad Ali


     It's such an amazing process, blogging...where and how we get our personal inspiration.  I try to write when I am taught something meaningful to me.  I get my inspiration from others.  I sat last night on my couch wondering what in the world I was going to blog about because it had been a bit since my last entry.  I fell asleep with no answers. 
Then it hit me.......
     I was sitting at my desk at work, getting frustrated with the database I was trying to enter info into, when a small, soft spoken woman came up to me and said "can I ask you a personal question?"  Hmmmm this could mean anything....my mind instantly wanders with the possibilities....most of which are concerning.  She asks "I just had to shave my head, can you tell I'm wearing a wig?"  UGH.......my heart sinks.  She's such a sweet, pretty woman and no, I could not tell, and I say so.  I also add that I am a lisenced Hairstylist so the fact that I cannot tell, is a great thing! LOL  Instantly, she smiles, warms up and her posture goes from tight to relaxed.  Thankfully I said the right thing here. :)
     Her cancer treatment was taking her long locks, and as a form of "control in a very uncontrollable situation", she shaved her head.  Our chat went on from there, where she shared personal details and was truly remarkable to listen to.  Every single time she said something that was a perspective  of a SURVIVOR, not a cancer patient, I suddenly checked off in my own mind, all those silly concerns I have or the ridiculous whines and complaints that come from a LUCKY healthy person....me.
     I learned so much from her in that brief chat.  My heart didn't feel pain for her, it felt pride.  This stranger before me, explaining the strategies of sharing this experience with her 3 year old daughter as it happens, were absolutely incredible and inspiring.  She is a single mom...no family to speak of....doing this all alone....but she said to me, you do not need a mother or a father, sisters and brothers to have "family".  Hers are her friends and her daughter.  She has all the support she needs by sharing with those around her.  Support isn't black and white.  It is what you need in the moments, the days, to get you through.  For her today...I was that support.  In that moment, I was her "family".    It's humbling at times like this, when I am faced with "true suffering"  and not just deployment woes.  My pain and my agony will end the minute my husband comes home...some are not so lucky.  They have no end date....they live day to day moment to moment like we do in deployment, surviving minutes and hours just to get through.  For a cancer patient life is so uncertain and no guarantees....their source of pain is a life challenge not a situational one.  My client handled herself with dignity and poise.  She stood before me, a soldier of her own war...her body.  She was a fighter and it showed today.  For her......it's not Libya she tries to protect, it's her daughter.    For us left behind during this deployment, we try to fill an album of happy moments to remind ourselves we are strong and we can get through this with even a smile.....for her, the album of memories she is banking, will try to capture for her and her daughter, much more than this.  Her days are filled with activity and memories to remind her in the dark times that there is a light of hope.  Today, I was given a sneak peek at true strength and courage.  I will for the remainder of this trip, remind myself that we only succeed if we believe we can.  We only survive when we are ready to fight.  We can only be happy when we have witnessed true sadness,   and we only learn when we are open to lessons greater than our own teachings.
~M

The Unknown

    

     Have you ever waited for something not even knowing when exactly it will happen?  You know it will eventually and you are well aware how amazing it will be when it does.....but you have no clue exactly when to count on it to be so.  I think there is nothing harder than having a deployment where there is no true home date.  Some would think that opens up the possibilities to a near end and yet, it also could be longer than you ever imagined.  I'll be honest, I thought having no homecoming date would not be this difficult.  It has opened up my ears to rumours when some speak of an extension to the crew's Mission.  It has also opened up my hopefulness when the word out there is a closer return than I had initially thought. Yes, they will be gone a very long time......but there's something about that date of return for me at least, that signifies an end...a light at the end of a long tunnel....SOMETHING I can count on.  There are many, many things about this specific Mission that are left unsaid and that are unknown, even to some of the crew.  Being the family back home waiting, no end means no ability to accept.

     I accept that my husband will be gone a long time.  I accept he is doing a good thing out there and I accept that he will eventually be able to return home.  What I admittedly am struggling to accept though are the ever changing plans, the unknown and the indefinate END.  I think it`s human nature to create for yourself, an assumption or hypothetical scenario, as a form of consoling at a time when you have no real answers.  My biggest fear in life is the unknown.  Great!  So throw me into a world where it breeds the unknown and uncertainty :) That`s the way it is in the military afterall and of course what makes it a unique and exciting life.  What you don`t know, you try to assume.  What you don`t know, you speculate.  But what you don`t know....you just DONT know.  My Sailor often says to me the only real definate in this lifestyle is the indefinate.  He says, you`ll know when and where for certainty, once you`ve arrived.

    So far......he is right. XX

From Briefing to De-Briefing

"I dont know you very well, but I get you"

 

     I sit engulfed in a whirl wind of emotions.  Happy that a milestone and marker of time is upon me today, sad that I am facing it because my Sailor is away for long enough that I shall face more days like this, and excited for the brief and rare moments I am about to have with him.  This is a moment in time I shall cherish, hearing him say "I love you" not just reading the words in email text. 

     Yesterday was a prime example of the deployment rollercoaster.  You wake up sick to your stomach  because you are happy ....nervous....excited!....and sad all wrapped up in one.  Anyone who faces a family briefing like our families do, know exactly what I am speaking about.  The advantage of this sort of family briefing I speak of, is the loved ones back home are given a rare opportunity to hear the CO speak for an hour live.  This process is possible thanks to technology of today, and the live video teleconferencing capabilities of today's warships.  It was fabulous to sit and listen to him explain what the ship's crew is up to, and what they have already accomplished operationally since departure from home.  It also gives us the family, an opportunity to ask those questions you want so desperately to know the answers to.  For operational reasons, not a lot of answers were given as far as location, homecoming etc, but I still walked away feeling informed.  As the Commanding Officer of the ship spoke, I listened intently to him as if he were a Church Minister lol  His word is golden and I hung onto his every word.  That was the most important speech I shall hear in my books, for another month at least!

     Another additive to the briefing, is the opportunity to speak live via video chat with my Sailor!  Technical difficulties put a damper on that opportunity yesterday so no video of him speaking, but I could hear his voice on the phone for my valuable, sacred 10 minutes.  I swear, I have never seen minutes fly by so fast!  Why can't the days go that quickly?  It was wonderful to hear his voice!  With the phones not an option these days on board, calls from sea are not something we counted on for this trip.  Yet valuing the morale behind these brief moments between loved ones, the CO was very supportive of the one-on-one calls even though it meant the satellite feed throughout the ship was at a bare minimum to allow this.  Morale is good on board he said to us at the briefing, and I can see why.  Knowing he is respectful to the importance of family, the strength behind the uniform, makes all the difference to sailors on board. 
     What did we speak about for those precious and few moments together?  I had a list walking in so I would not waste time trying to remember or walking away going "shoot!"  The first 5 minutes was dedicated to getting details I needed, clearing up financial concerns and  updating him on the kids.  The last few moments were used to catch up emotionally as a couple.  Life is tough at the best of times, always feeling rushed day to day.  Life in the navy is even more so, spent on brief moments, cherishing the days you know you have together and those rare opportunities to slip into a world (even just for a moment) where you are just his wife and he is just the husband and life is good.....because you're "together". 
     Family briefings promise emotional highs and lows but I couldn't imagine a deployment without them.  What better way to feel included and supported than through team effort, a rally of support, and feeling overwhelmed at some of the news, only to look over at your peers and see the physical tears run down their face that you, yourself feel so intently.  "We are all in this together" is an understatement when surrounded by others who "get it". 
     A tradition I started last long deployment in 2008, has come to be another positive attribute this time as well.  That is the "de-briefing".  A group of those who care to take part, meet and over dinner and drinks, speak of the good and the bad that is upon us.  Luckily the majority of the debriefing dinner is filled with laughter, not tears.  It feels great to have the day past us, and celebrate the fact that life still goes on....  I truly believe the Lord above, specifically chooses those that surround you and it's how you present yourself to others that makes it a successful meeting or failure.  I really am growing fond of the other family members "in the same boat" because even though they are from all backgrounds and various levels of experience with deployment, they all contribute in some way, to my own success.  I could lay in bed and mope, or I could join in and make the best of these days. Seeing another laugh and wondering how can they when we are so overwhelmed, opens my eyes to the possibility of feeling something other than lonliness. Seeing the successes of those around me, in whichever aspect of their lives they continue to thrive in, makes me look at my own positives and rejoice in them.  Deployment is a test of faith, personal strength and a test of love and commitment.  I will and do, have bad days.  We all do.  I also trust that my peers dealing with this as well, would donate any strength I may need or request.  Like any other trauma of sorts, deployment brings together those that share in it and builds a bond stronger than some friendships that have matured for years. "I dont know you but I get you" is sometimes all you need out of a friend. :)
~M
    

Project Distraction!

    


     Everyday I hear the same question... "Mom, I'm hungry.  What's for dinner?"  What I want to say to my 12 year old son is "BAHAHAHAHA, great question!"  What I do say of course is, "how about you suggest something?"  I am not the world's most domestic woman you might say.  Sure I can fold laundry like the military standards if prompted, and I can certainly cut the grass like a trooper!  What I cannot do for the life of me is decide and produce a moderately fancy meal.  I try.....I fake it half the time and my kids LOVE me because we check out a local restaurant at least once a week.  There are a few recipes I can definitely produce. I do them well because I have taken the time at some point in my life, to produce these dishes to the best of my abilities.  It has paid off, my husband's number one comfort food is my home made  beef stew.  This dish takes me 3 hours to make!  Brian knows when he comes home from sea, that will be the first meal he eats.  I take comfort in this tradition as I am old fashioned believe it or not,  so why in the world can I not take comfort in the act of cooking?  Am I alone in this failed attempt at domesticating myself?  I am by far the opposite of Caroline Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie or of course the famous Julia Child.  I did make a pact that I would serve my children only healthy foods while Brian is deployed.  I have for the most part accomplished that without cooking everynight.  I should introduce myself to the slow cooker or the Joy of Cooking.  If I lived alone I would do very well on salads and soups.  But I am a mom, a single mom right now... so I stand here looking into my refrigerator and once again, panic. 
     My 16 year old suggested she learn to cook and I thought GREAT!  Bought her a cook book specifically for teens and I even bought strange ingredients that the receipes she chose required.  I have YET to eat.  :S  Like mother like daughter I suppose.  My 13 year old son realizes, being reminded regularly, that while Dad is away he is the "Man of the House".....so cook for me damnit!! LOL  No, that's a poor attitude to have......It's my job, I am the Mom here, I guess that makes me the "cook". 
    
     This is just one of many obstacles I do not take pleasure in being responsible for now that I am "Single Parenting" for the next half a year or more.  I want so desperately to buy a TV stand or a shelving unit for my remodelled bathroom.....screws and nails freak me out.....scare me.......what if I forget one?  What if I hammer my hand?  I agree, I should put my big girl panties on and be a woman.....take strength in knowing I am the sole survivor on Whitman Island during this deployment.  I am still trying to come to grips with knowing if I want something completed now, I am on my own to do so.
    
    That being said,  it has become tradition in my home, that when hubby is deployed, I take on a project  that I use as a distraction and a focus.  It's very important in my opinion, to use deployment as a time to reflect on your own self, make positive changes and find a positive place to put your energy. Since cooking will not accomplish this feat, I must look elsewhere.  Last time Brian went away, he came home to a remodeled ensuite bathroom.  This time.....our bedroom.

      I feel making a change is invaluable during this sort of a situation, when you are left behind to stare at your four walls.  A fresh start can definitely re-set your mind and for me, it gives me a fabulous distraction to the everyday woes of the emotional heart ache that goes along with missing someone.  I tend to work backwards which again, is OK.  We all move forward in different patterns and pace.  I started off on the right foot, the best foot...by doing none other than a day of  retail therapy!  Yes, I went shopping.  I bought a gorgeous dresser with the promise to finish our bedroom.  The problem was the dresser was to be delivered 3 days later.  With my daughter's help, I completely renovated the room in record time!  I am very happy with the results and I know my Sailor will be as well.  I admit, he will HATE the bed set though!   It is very frilly, but then again...........for the remainder of this deployment, the bed is all mine.  Why not make it the way you want?  This is the one time in my life I will not have to accommodate the male perspective!  I have always wanted a frilly and flower patterned quilt.  I am put in a position daily to be both Daddy and Mommy to our kids.  I am presumed to be the "fixer", the "nurse", the "counsellor" and the "chauffeur".  But I know that when the kids are tucked safely into bed, the house is clean and my Sailor is emailed, I can lay down in my big frilly pink bed and know that at the end of the day, I have some time alone to just be ME.
~M  

SUCCESS in small doses...

"The toughest thing about success is that you have to keep it up"

                                                                                                  -Mandi Whitman

    

It has been a bit since I last added a Blog entry and I will be honest as to why.  Firstly, I didn't want to be negative even though  I was feeling down.  The other reason was because I have so much I want to say, but either was unable to for security reasons with hubby's ship, or I just didnt know where to begin quite frankly.  Initially I had this great idea to only post things that were personal to me yet always end with a lesson or advice. As time is moving along in this deployment, I am realizing that I am human.  I am allowed to hurt, I am allowed to be down sometimes and I am allowed to talk about things that may not always be politically correct. But as a wise friend said, write how you feel no matter what that looks like.  so here I am again.

 

     Just recently, the ship went through the Panama Canal enroute to Lybia.  It was my second chance to watch as they went through the lochs.  There are cameras set up with live feed at different angle points.  I sat for quite a while while they waited to take their turn.  I almost gave up, when I suddenly saw the ship come into view.  There I was.....sitting, watching on a laptop screen what was a grey and almost red hued video feed that skipped every minute.  I was feeling excited and sad all at the same time, but definately an intense hour at my house!  I remember them being delayed which worked out perfectly for me, as it gave me time to get home from work to watch with the kids.  I can't believe I didnt get stopped for speeding!  Crazy isn't it?  For a camera shot?   In 2008 Brian joined the HMCS Calgary through the Panama Canal.  He was allowed outside on the brow, so through email I got him to go outside and wave into the camera at me. Loved that!  This time around, things seemed to move at a faster pace. They were in, and out faster than I would have liked but who am I? :).  It is interesting though, as they moved along and away from the camera's view shot, I felt a sense of longing and sadness sweep over me.  It was strange to feel this as I have already said my goodbyes.  But in some small way, it was another.  The reality of knowing we did not even share an ocean anymore.....we share only the moon......and that hurts a bit.  The fact of knowing this clearly demonstrated to me that they were STILL leaving....still moving away from home....was tough.  But as any wife would, I watched and I cried, and I watched more...until I could no longer see them in the distance.  Below is a picture I captured during these rare moments:

It's a bit blurry I know, but it was a fascinating web feed. 

     Onto their first port visit after this was taken.  It was a nice break for the Sailors I am sure!  I couldn't imagine being cooped up for so many weeks in one place.....one small rack to sleep on...but they are troopers!!   This recent port was two nights.  I booked hubby a hotel room so that we could skype together.  That was the first time we have tried that on our own devices.  In the past Brian either borrowed a laptop from a buddy or we just called each other.  The cell phone bills were outrageous!! Today's technology is like gold in my opinion.  I remember the days when one email a week was so precious, now I was able to chat for a couple of hours yesterday and today via web, and we felt like we were together.  It certainly makes deployments at this length manageable.  I appreciated every moment I had with Brian skyping.  Who knows when we will be able to do it again.  Today I feel like he just left but without the sadness and despair if that makes any sense?  I feel close to him and connected on an emotional and spiritual level, but I didnt have to say goodbye and start this whole process over.  4 weeks down in a couple of days....thats a month!  A month I never have to repeat is how I like to look at it.  Yes, I have many many more ahead of me, but I am finding it very important to live in the moment, say to myself  "this is here and now and you are okay".  I also find it extremely important to not look ahead.  When I look ahead, I stumble and trip.  When I look behind me, I am relieved and proud.  I am doing this, I am surviving.  However that looks to each of us and it does look differently to all... we are doing it......coping.  Sometimes thats all we can do.....some days coping alone is a successful day.  It didnt end up productive maybe, or happy, or full of joy, but it was completed and we are in one piece.  That's success!

Triggers

    

     Why is it that there are certain shows on tv, songs and even smells that trigger emotional breakdowns during Deployment?  You could be going through your day quite successfully, even smiling!...  then BOOM! some song comes on the radio and your emotions take over.  Have you ever walked through a department store and a man you've never seen before (or care to ever see again) walks by wearing the same cologne your husband wears?  Suddenly, you are fighting between the desire to follow them, desperate to hang onto the fragrance you long for, and running away as fast as you can, hoping and praying you never smell it again!   The emotional rollercoaster that stimulants take you on, can be quite overwhelming.  For me, the song "Open Arms" by journey is a trigger.  Our wedding song.....the song that carries the most emotions over any other.  I love to hear it yet hope I don't for the next 6+ months.  I actually have figured out which local radio station plays it the most, so I have stopped listening to it....silly isn't it?  The triggers are like train wrecks really.  I dread seeing, smelling or hearing them, yet when it occurs, I can't seem to draw myself away from them.  Sometimes, it's even after the fact when I reflect back, that I realize why I got so emotional at that moment.   Tonight, my trigger was the television show "Surprise Homecomings".  I know even before the plot unravels, I will end it with red swollen eyes and a longing for my own Homecoming, yet I torture myself, trying to prove that I am strong and can handle it.  So I watch...and am unsuccessful.
      It's the same primal instinct I think, that urges us into slowing down in order to take in the full fury of a head on collision.  Desire perhaps to see gore or even something traumatic is what draws you in, yet fear makes you want to run. I personally use the emotional triggers during my deployment experience to subconsciously allow myself to grieve.  What does that mean exactly?  Being the one left behind to keep going, stay strong, make it work......I won't allow myself to break down for the simple reason I miss my husband tremendously.  I find it easier to bawl my eyes out over a lame TV show rather than acknoledge my own weakness and my own pain.  Silly really, but it works.
     I wonder if our Sailors are finding it easier to deal,  being  away from their familiar surroundings and the things that bring on the raw emotions associated with deployment?  I have spoken to my hubby about this before.  I think thats what he meant when he said phone calls home are the hardest.  He loves to hear my voice and connect with me, but hanging up, saying goodbye AGAIN, depresses him.  I think triggers in people can also keep you emotionally distant as well.   I need the phone calls and hearing his voice to rejuvinate. He however, hates the emotions that linger after our goodbyes, so we battle with the act of talking on the phone.  That fear of sadness is what you try to avoid, yet the desire to connect is what draws you in.  Emotional triggers can be an on-going battle.   Of course, everyone is different and emotions are sparked from various stimuli in each of us.  What's fascinating though, is the natural human instinct to be drawn  simultaneously, to the same trigger that you know will leave you an emotional "train wreck".  Triggers for those of us left behind can vary greatly, but one thing is certain......each and every one of us shares something that unravels the layers we strategically created, simply to survive.   

Appreciation

    

     I started a Blog today about making changes and finding projects to do that keep us busy and focused.  I decided to talk about something else instead when a good friend of mine gave me some bad health news today.  Why talk about it?  Because that news certainly put things into perspective for me.  There was one time in my life I will never forget, when the importance of health was brought to my attention.  I was sitting at the dining room table of my mother-in-law's home a few years back, enjoying a family Sunday Dinner.  With complete innocence, we all began commenting about how tired we all felt lately...how work and school and the kids were dragging us down.  I too, was guilty of this.  My brother-in-law, 34 years of age, dying of cancer, turned to us and simply said "do you want to know what makes ME tired?  Facing day to day at 34 in a body that is as tired as one at 84".  The manner at which he said this was like a rock hitting me, time stood still and I suddenly was glad all I had to complain about were the kids and work.  Today was the same.  I am sitting here, stressing about car tires, money, work and life in general during this deployment, when others around me have REAL concerns.
    
     My husband is away for a very long time....but he'll return.  My kids are bored because they have run out of things to do and it's of course summer......but they are safe.  My work can be challenging like any other's....but I'm employed.  And my days are lonely, I'm sad and don't want to be in this deployment situation......but I am here, I am well.

     I think it takes times like this to make us step back from the day to day tasks, day to day woes, and really look at the big picture.  Time heals wounds, binds those separated and strengthens those that once were weakened.  But even time cannot alter health.  

"God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."
                                                        ~the Serenity Prayer

~M

 

Week of FIRSTS

    

The first week and first month are the hardest to face in any Deployment situation.  Tonight marks the end of my week of "firsts".  I survived the first hour, day, night alone, and most importantly, the first weekend!   I stayed strong for the most part, concentrating ONLY on the day at hand.  It was Friday night after work, coming home to what would normally be Brian chilling my favourite wine and the decision of whether to have take-out or maybe even a candlelight dinner......when it hit me like a brick wall.  If you do not know me already, I must let it be known, I am NOT, nor claim to be a cook.  In fact when I do make a meal, it is a very selective choice from my very limited menu.  All other items always end up tasting funny or are not appetizing.  We all have flaws and this one I choose to embrace :)   Lucky for me I married a man that finds cooking relaxing and enjoyable.  Yes, I know.....I got lucky.  My kids will spend the next 6+ months asking "not chicken again?" Emma, my 16 year old has decided she is ready to venture into the world of food creation and will be making the odd meal to help out.  Brian prepared many containers of his spaghetti sauce before his departure, so yes, my kids will survive. lol

     Reflecting upon this past week, I feel relief that it's over, surprised at how fast it went by and saddened at how many MORE I must face still.  I have spent this week pushing myself to go outside my comfort zone.  I refuse to sit at home this deployment and sulk, refuse to mope whenever possible and refuse to watch the days go by from my couch.  I am in this full swing, I am going to do the best I can to spend my days "in the moment" and not look ahead.  Tall order!

     Believe it or not, Deployment provides a small sense of the exact same feelings associated with death and loss.  Again, I respectfully say, small.  In both loss and deployment, you go through the stages of denial, anger, sadness, and finally acceptance.  My denial is a stage I think I am still in.  I know this because I have yet to cry.  Anger and sadness are always with me, peeking out from behind the bushes, so to speak.  I will be fine one moment and then something will trigger a bout of sadness or even anger.  Comparing my situation with others around me will be my weakest link this trip.  I need to stay away from comparing how many emails others get vs. myself and how many calls they get from sea when I may only get one...the guys out there at Sea all have a job to do and some have more time to themselves than others.  I have to remind myself that 5 calls vs. my one does NOT mean I am not as loved, it means my husband is not able to reach a phone or have a break long enough to stand in line for one.  I sure hope I can do it.  This will certainly avoid the regular occurance of the "anger" stage of deployment.  I know my husband will be home again, but when you suddenly lose the one person you count on, your side-kick,  it is like carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders.  It feels similar to stomach pain because you are so hungry, but it's not your tummy that feels hollow....it's your heart.
    
     Everyone handles this sense of "loss" differently.  Some work more, while others need time off to try and come to grips with the realities deployment brings.  Some need quiet time to reflect, while others (like myself) just need people around me to know that I am not alone and I am still okay.  Some wives can go 3 or 4 days without hearing from their Sailor and not think twice about it, while others panic when it has been 24 hours since they heard from them.  Again, this supports my statement that deployment is like a small death.  It's how we cope and keep moving along day after day that matters.  Time heals all wounds, but in this case, the wounds heal just in time for Homecoming! LOL 
     In the end, its the families left behind that I see suffering together.  If that means quietly or visibly, the pain and lonliness associated with deployment can either make or break you.  I choose to make the best of a situation.  Like in death/loss these are the cards I've been dealt and I choose to play them to the best of my abilities...if not for me, then for my kids.
     Onto the week of Seconds....  :)
~M

Because I "CARE"

WITH LOVE.......FROM HOME XXOO

    

      I am having a really hard time shutting my brain off at night.  I fight the exhaustion in fear that lying awake will make it impossible to avoid the bad thoughts....sad thoughts.....the crying.  Deployment has always brought out the "ugly cry".  Nobody looks good with the Ugly Cry!  So far I have not come face to face with that evil. 
     A panic came across deployment wives today......we were given 24 hours to collect items, package and seal if we would like it to reach the ship in Port  for distribution to our Sailors.  Usually a list of mail dates are  given well in advance from the Military Family Resource Centre.  This time with the operational requirements, a last-minute mail date was posted for TOMORROW!  I must admit....for me this is not panic time but excitement.  I absolutely love putting togther a package of favourites to send Brian's way.  Maybe not as much as he loves to receive it but I do really like collecting things to go.  What woman doesn't like to shop afterall? 
    In 2008, Brian was sent to the GULF and care packages served a great purpose during those long 6.5 months apart.  I started out by sending a letter, pictures, chocolate and candy.  As time went on, they became more extensive you might say.....I made him "cake in a jar" to arrive near our anniversary. It literally is just that.  The sealed jar allows for long travel and the ability to stay fresh throughout the heat, cold etc.  It was the best thing hubby says.  I can imagine  after months on board a ship, eating recycled meals day after day, cake was a treat to the taste buds he won't easily forget.  Other items I send along are gum, juice crystals ( to break up the constant taste of plain water), gym shorts, socks to replace the holy ones, letters and pictures.  Near the end of the deployment last time, I managed to send enough love letters and cards so that he had one a week until Homecoming.  I think secretly, he couldn't wait long enough and I have no doubt those cards never made it anywhere near home! LOL   The purpose behind "gifts from home" are to boost morale, send love, and provide comforts that are missed a great deal when they are taken away for months on end.  Thanks to our MFRC, care packages are sent for free!  There is no limit as to how many you send which is another bonus.  Brian describes them as "Christmas in Foreign Port".  I can imagine that being true.  Often times, I will send along an extra package of basics.....socks, candy and gum....even a card saying "thank you for your service".  There is nothing worse I can imagine, than seeing everyone around you getting care packages except you.  Single members are usually in this situation so I feel it very important to take a minute to show them people are thinking about them.  Even though we may be strangers, we are sharing a common bond.

     In my opinion, there is nothing greater than sending your love whenever you can.  Showing my Sailor I am thinking of him from afar, and having something to actually touch, open, see and smell that he knows was at his HOME at one point, has got to do so much for his spirit.  I couldn't imagine being away from home so long that you feel like a guest when you come back.  Sending these boxes of  love  is my best attempt in keeping my Sailor connected and grounded.  Even if he is far from dry land.
~M
    

From Family Gram to Satellite

"I love you and am missing you terribly.
XXOO,Whitty  "

   I am back to that place......the place where excitement of receiving an email in my inbox from sea means you are loved, you are thought of .......and I haven't even opened it yet!  I see it there and am so desperate to open it, hoping for an "I love you", "I miss you" and/or "I thought of you today".  Should I open it now?  Or do I wait and save it for just before bed...something to look forward to?   Oh, the joys of mail from sea!!

      In this day in age, military families are extremely fortunate.  It wasn't always this way.  Just 10 to 15 years ago when we first joined this crazy lifestyle,  Brian and his ship mates would be given an opportunity once a week to send a message back home to us.  The email was sent from the ship after it was viewed by proper authority, to our local Military Family Resource Centre.  The staff there would get in touch with us and we would march down to their office to read our one page email (roughly 25 words).   We, the wives left behind, were each given a designated time slot to arrive at the MFRC and read the email from sea ( called a family gram) there in the busy office.  Time would be given  to reply to our Sailor's email, and that would be sent back to him.  The catch was, your email was always scanned and read by MFRC Staff prior to sending, to ensure safety and security of the ship's crew and movements.  If the email made mention of port visits, ships' movements etc, the message was not deliverable.  You were very limited to what you could say of course, so that really restricted what I felt comfortable writing.  There was absolutely no privacy in this method!!.  I remember wanting to tell Brian about my bad days alone without him, but was never able to, in fear that I would be seen as "incapable" or "weak".  But when the Family Gram service is all you have for means of communication, you better believe I was there every Wednesday morning to send and receive mine! Only hearing from sea once a week, that message from Brian confirming that I was missed and loved, was very crucial to my morale.   Boy how times have changed in the last 10 years!  Now there is daily email, access to facebook, skype for Sailors while in port, and even a 30 minute phone card to call home every week,  via sattelite.  Sure beats the once a week Family Gram!! 

     Although this technology is available today, nothing beats the instant flutter in the tummy like seeing an email from Brian in my inbox first thing in the morning!  It provides not only a confirmation that he is okay out there battling Lord knows what, it grounds me.  It gives me motivation to face the day.....another day without him.  It is a daily reminder that although we must continue to face our days apart, for that one moment in time, we are connected through our words.  

~M

Confirmation

"One of the hardest parts of waking up in the morning, is remembering what you have been trying so hard to forget the night before"

     Reality continues to seep in.  This morning I awoke freezing cold..... alone.  Brian, my human heater, one that clearly my body temperature has become accustomed to, was definately "unplugged" so to speak this morning.  Not only was it Monday, a day nobody in the working world likes, but this Monday was particularly glum.  My internal clock woke me repeatedly last night and every time, a stab in my chest once again realizing I truly was alone.  In the wee hours of the morning is when I, under normal circumstances, start to worry about things and make mental lists of what needs to be paid, weeded, cleaned, and replenished in the fridge.   Now I am making lists of things that MAY go wrong, MAY break down and MAY even become too much for me to handle.  It becomes very clear it's ALL up to me now. 

     I spotted a nail inserted into the front tire of our new car today......lovely!  Received a call from my son while at work completely beside himself because he couldn't remove the memory card from the laptop.....beautiful!  Ordered a salad for lunch break, realizing I don't have my debit card on me or cash to pay.......awesome!  But these are the kinds of things that not only appear to come in threes, but remind me that I MUST take this day by day.  I cannot live with all the "what if's" when there are so many "now whats" appearing out of nowhere, needing immediate attention. 
     And then I come home.   The peaceful santuary I love to arrive at, the warm and inviting smile and smell of Brian's cooking, suddenly are replaced with cat litter, a teenaged boy and well.......you get my drift.  And amongst the new reality of what is "Home life" now, is a bouquette of my favourite flowers......freshly delivered and waiting for me.  It's the attention to details that I adore the most in my husband.  He KNEW I would hate coming home today....he KNEW I would feel alone even with my loving kids there waiting for me.....he KNEW me just as I am.  Taking care of me even hundreds of miles away is why I dont even think twice about living in this lifestyle.  It is full of ups and downs......surprises and the unknown.  But here I stand,  reading the simple note "I miss you already" and I am reassured again, why I chose this life, chose this man and thank God I am me.

~M



    



And so it begins.....

Fair Winds and Following Seas HMCS Vancouver. 

     Have you ever sat in a doctor's office waiting for test results, only to wait for what feels like an eternity?  Part of you is scared, unsure,  yet hopeful for something good to come out of it.  Part of you is eager to get the appt. underway so it is over and done with, while the other half is desperate for time to stand still because you are just so afraid of what possibilities lie ahead.....No doctor's appointment for me.....DEPLOYMENT....the Other big D word. But this morning waiting for the time where I had to drop off my Sailor at the ship felt exactly like that.

       I'd love to call today day one as i have officially embarked upon this new journey but yet I cannot call it day one until 24 hours have passed....right|?  Let's call it Reality part 1.  Have I cried?  no.  I really can't say why to be honest.  I thought I would, I started to hugging Brian for the last time today, but yet the tears are so deep down still, that I can't even allow myself to think about the reality of this new situation I must call NORM.....so no tears.
     There was a small fire on-board yesterday which i think was the reason the ship was delayed 4 hours from the marked sail time.  Good news for us.....4 more hours with Brian, and a 5pm Leave Expiry.  We managed to get brunch in, our favourite family movie, Napolean Dynomite, as well as a walk just Brian and I.  It was a great bonus.  Who knew 4 extra hours with your husband could be so rewarding!?  Can you imagine that?  The next time I see and touch and hold my own husband will be into 2012!!  Next year!  But.......I'm in denial right?  So let's move away from that for now. 
Came up with this today:
Deployment
Emotions
Not
Invited,
Allowed, but
Litigated

    The kids are taking this well.  Emma seems to have a handle on this however I know my daughter and she will privately cry when she is alone, just like her Dad.  Michael is like me and will normally wear his heart on his sleeve so I know tonight without tears is actually positive.  He stated today "well i have one parent here at least so i'm ok".  Hmmmmm...is this maturity or is this something I should be worried about?  Time will tell. 
     Fantastic support coming from places I wasn't expecting.  Friends on Facebook who are in this with me...in the 'same boat" so to speak, a dear friend from Ontario I grew up with has shown tremendous empathy, a nice couple who live near me and have offered help whenever I need it, and I know work pals will support me for sure, working with military families day in and day out.  I appreciate each and everyone who has taken the time from their lives to have a moment of concern for my family and I.  It speaks volumes and will carry me through this just knowing they exist.

      I have been here before.  I have survived a 6+ month deployment away from my husband, so why is this one already so different?  I bawled for days for the last one...maybe the fear of the unknown triggered that?  I went to the jetty the first time and I watched for 2 hours as they forced Brian onto the ship without me, then watched as he slowly and I mean slowly, disembarked.  This time i avoided the jetty simply because I personally do not need to take the slow pain-staking goodbye that is inevitable.  Five more minutes with my husband is not worth the looks into each others' eyes begging for one last moment, one last emotional connection.  Some families need the official goodbye on the jetty and I respect that.  Some families need to hear the marching band  in the background play music that is situation-appropriate.  Some families need the surroundings of others all saying goodbye for what will seem like an eternity, and some families are okay with Media sharing their goodbyes with them, televising it for the world to see.  Dont get me wrong, I think media coverage will be phenominal during this deployment and beneficial for our families, showing the world that we suffer through these goodbyes so that they never have to.  But....the package deal is not for me.  I am ok missing it, i am okay with my decision to avoid it and I am good with how our "goodbye" moment went.  It was quick, left little time for tears and consisted of a warm embrace and quick kiss.  Simple. 

     I pray SIMPLE will also describe the next 6+ months that lie ahead.  Here's hoping..........
M