SUCCESS in small doses...

"The toughest thing about success is that you have to keep it up"

                                                                                                  -Mandi Whitman

    

It has been a bit since I last added a Blog entry and I will be honest as to why.  Firstly, I didn't want to be negative even though  I was feeling down.  The other reason was because I have so much I want to say, but either was unable to for security reasons with hubby's ship, or I just didnt know where to begin quite frankly.  Initially I had this great idea to only post things that were personal to me yet always end with a lesson or advice. As time is moving along in this deployment, I am realizing that I am human.  I am allowed to hurt, I am allowed to be down sometimes and I am allowed to talk about things that may not always be politically correct. But as a wise friend said, write how you feel no matter what that looks like.  so here I am again.

 

     Just recently, the ship went through the Panama Canal enroute to Lybia.  It was my second chance to watch as they went through the lochs.  There are cameras set up with live feed at different angle points.  I sat for quite a while while they waited to take their turn.  I almost gave up, when I suddenly saw the ship come into view.  There I was.....sitting, watching on a laptop screen what was a grey and almost red hued video feed that skipped every minute.  I was feeling excited and sad all at the same time, but definately an intense hour at my house!  I remember them being delayed which worked out perfectly for me, as it gave me time to get home from work to watch with the kids.  I can't believe I didnt get stopped for speeding!  Crazy isn't it?  For a camera shot?   In 2008 Brian joined the HMCS Calgary through the Panama Canal.  He was allowed outside on the brow, so through email I got him to go outside and wave into the camera at me. Loved that!  This time around, things seemed to move at a faster pace. They were in, and out faster than I would have liked but who am I? :).  It is interesting though, as they moved along and away from the camera's view shot, I felt a sense of longing and sadness sweep over me.  It was strange to feel this as I have already said my goodbyes.  But in some small way, it was another.  The reality of knowing we did not even share an ocean anymore.....we share only the moon......and that hurts a bit.  The fact of knowing this clearly demonstrated to me that they were STILL leaving....still moving away from home....was tough.  But as any wife would, I watched and I cried, and I watched more...until I could no longer see them in the distance.  Below is a picture I captured during these rare moments:

It's a bit blurry I know, but it was a fascinating web feed. 

     Onto their first port visit after this was taken.  It was a nice break for the Sailors I am sure!  I couldn't imagine being cooped up for so many weeks in one place.....one small rack to sleep on...but they are troopers!!   This recent port was two nights.  I booked hubby a hotel room so that we could skype together.  That was the first time we have tried that on our own devices.  In the past Brian either borrowed a laptop from a buddy or we just called each other.  The cell phone bills were outrageous!! Today's technology is like gold in my opinion.  I remember the days when one email a week was so precious, now I was able to chat for a couple of hours yesterday and today via web, and we felt like we were together.  It certainly makes deployments at this length manageable.  I appreciated every moment I had with Brian skyping.  Who knows when we will be able to do it again.  Today I feel like he just left but without the sadness and despair if that makes any sense?  I feel close to him and connected on an emotional and spiritual level, but I didnt have to say goodbye and start this whole process over.  4 weeks down in a couple of days....thats a month!  A month I never have to repeat is how I like to look at it.  Yes, I have many many more ahead of me, but I am finding it very important to live in the moment, say to myself  "this is here and now and you are okay".  I also find it extremely important to not look ahead.  When I look ahead, I stumble and trip.  When I look behind me, I am relieved and proud.  I am doing this, I am surviving.  However that looks to each of us and it does look differently to all... we are doing it......coping.  Sometimes thats all we can do.....some days coping alone is a successful day.  It didnt end up productive maybe, or happy, or full of joy, but it was completed and we are in one piece.  That's success!