Triggers

    

     Why is it that there are certain shows on tv, songs and even smells that trigger emotional breakdowns during Deployment?  You could be going through your day quite successfully, even smiling!...  then BOOM! some song comes on the radio and your emotions take over.  Have you ever walked through a department store and a man you've never seen before (or care to ever see again) walks by wearing the same cologne your husband wears?  Suddenly, you are fighting between the desire to follow them, desperate to hang onto the fragrance you long for, and running away as fast as you can, hoping and praying you never smell it again!   The emotional rollercoaster that stimulants take you on, can be quite overwhelming.  For me, the song "Open Arms" by journey is a trigger.  Our wedding song.....the song that carries the most emotions over any other.  I love to hear it yet hope I don't for the next 6+ months.  I actually have figured out which local radio station plays it the most, so I have stopped listening to it....silly isn't it?  The triggers are like train wrecks really.  I dread seeing, smelling or hearing them, yet when it occurs, I can't seem to draw myself away from them.  Sometimes, it's even after the fact when I reflect back, that I realize why I got so emotional at that moment.   Tonight, my trigger was the television show "Surprise Homecomings".  I know even before the plot unravels, I will end it with red swollen eyes and a longing for my own Homecoming, yet I torture myself, trying to prove that I am strong and can handle it.  So I watch...and am unsuccessful.
      It's the same primal instinct I think, that urges us into slowing down in order to take in the full fury of a head on collision.  Desire perhaps to see gore or even something traumatic is what draws you in, yet fear makes you want to run. I personally use the emotional triggers during my deployment experience to subconsciously allow myself to grieve.  What does that mean exactly?  Being the one left behind to keep going, stay strong, make it work......I won't allow myself to break down for the simple reason I miss my husband tremendously.  I find it easier to bawl my eyes out over a lame TV show rather than acknoledge my own weakness and my own pain.  Silly really, but it works.
     I wonder if our Sailors are finding it easier to deal,  being  away from their familiar surroundings and the things that bring on the raw emotions associated with deployment?  I have spoken to my hubby about this before.  I think thats what he meant when he said phone calls home are the hardest.  He loves to hear my voice and connect with me, but hanging up, saying goodbye AGAIN, depresses him.  I think triggers in people can also keep you emotionally distant as well.   I need the phone calls and hearing his voice to rejuvinate. He however, hates the emotions that linger after our goodbyes, so we battle with the act of talking on the phone.  That fear of sadness is what you try to avoid, yet the desire to connect is what draws you in.  Emotional triggers can be an on-going battle.   Of course, everyone is different and emotions are sparked from various stimuli in each of us.  What's fascinating though, is the natural human instinct to be drawn  simultaneously, to the same trigger that you know will leave you an emotional "train wreck".  Triggers for those of us left behind can vary greatly, but one thing is certain......each and every one of us shares something that unravels the layers we strategically created, simply to survive.