Week of FIRSTS

    

The first week and first month are the hardest to face in any Deployment situation.  Tonight marks the end of my week of "firsts".  I survived the first hour, day, night alone, and most importantly, the first weekend!   I stayed strong for the most part, concentrating ONLY on the day at hand.  It was Friday night after work, coming home to what would normally be Brian chilling my favourite wine and the decision of whether to have take-out or maybe even a candlelight dinner......when it hit me like a brick wall.  If you do not know me already, I must let it be known, I am NOT, nor claim to be a cook.  In fact when I do make a meal, it is a very selective choice from my very limited menu.  All other items always end up tasting funny or are not appetizing.  We all have flaws and this one I choose to embrace :)   Lucky for me I married a man that finds cooking relaxing and enjoyable.  Yes, I know.....I got lucky.  My kids will spend the next 6+ months asking "not chicken again?" Emma, my 16 year old has decided she is ready to venture into the world of food creation and will be making the odd meal to help out.  Brian prepared many containers of his spaghetti sauce before his departure, so yes, my kids will survive. lol

     Reflecting upon this past week, I feel relief that it's over, surprised at how fast it went by and saddened at how many MORE I must face still.  I have spent this week pushing myself to go outside my comfort zone.  I refuse to sit at home this deployment and sulk, refuse to mope whenever possible and refuse to watch the days go by from my couch.  I am in this full swing, I am going to do the best I can to spend my days "in the moment" and not look ahead.  Tall order!

     Believe it or not, Deployment provides a small sense of the exact same feelings associated with death and loss.  Again, I respectfully say, small.  In both loss and deployment, you go through the stages of denial, anger, sadness, and finally acceptance.  My denial is a stage I think I am still in.  I know this because I have yet to cry.  Anger and sadness are always with me, peeking out from behind the bushes, so to speak.  I will be fine one moment and then something will trigger a bout of sadness or even anger.  Comparing my situation with others around me will be my weakest link this trip.  I need to stay away from comparing how many emails others get vs. myself and how many calls they get from sea when I may only get one...the guys out there at Sea all have a job to do and some have more time to themselves than others.  I have to remind myself that 5 calls vs. my one does NOT mean I am not as loved, it means my husband is not able to reach a phone or have a break long enough to stand in line for one.  I sure hope I can do it.  This will certainly avoid the regular occurance of the "anger" stage of deployment.  I know my husband will be home again, but when you suddenly lose the one person you count on, your side-kick,  it is like carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders.  It feels similar to stomach pain because you are so hungry, but it's not your tummy that feels hollow....it's your heart.
    
     Everyone handles this sense of "loss" differently.  Some work more, while others need time off to try and come to grips with the realities deployment brings.  Some need quiet time to reflect, while others (like myself) just need people around me to know that I am not alone and I am still okay.  Some wives can go 3 or 4 days without hearing from their Sailor and not think twice about it, while others panic when it has been 24 hours since they heard from them.  Again, this supports my statement that deployment is like a small death.  It's how we cope and keep moving along day after day that matters.  Time heals all wounds, but in this case, the wounds heal just in time for Homecoming! LOL 
     In the end, its the families left behind that I see suffering together.  If that means quietly or visibly, the pain and lonliness associated with deployment can either make or break you.  I choose to make the best of a situation.  Like in death/loss these are the cards I've been dealt and I choose to play them to the best of my abilities...if not for me, then for my kids.
     Onto the week of Seconds....  :)
~M