And so it begins.....

Fair Winds and Following Seas HMCS Vancouver. 

     Have you ever sat in a doctor's office waiting for test results, only to wait for what feels like an eternity?  Part of you is scared, unsure,  yet hopeful for something good to come out of it.  Part of you is eager to get the appt. underway so it is over and done with, while the other half is desperate for time to stand still because you are just so afraid of what possibilities lie ahead.....No doctor's appointment for me.....DEPLOYMENT....the Other big D word. But this morning waiting for the time where I had to drop off my Sailor at the ship felt exactly like that.

       I'd love to call today day one as i have officially embarked upon this new journey but yet I cannot call it day one until 24 hours have passed....right|?  Let's call it Reality part 1.  Have I cried?  no.  I really can't say why to be honest.  I thought I would, I started to hugging Brian for the last time today, but yet the tears are so deep down still, that I can't even allow myself to think about the reality of this new situation I must call NORM.....so no tears.
     There was a small fire on-board yesterday which i think was the reason the ship was delayed 4 hours from the marked sail time.  Good news for us.....4 more hours with Brian, and a 5pm Leave Expiry.  We managed to get brunch in, our favourite family movie, Napolean Dynomite, as well as a walk just Brian and I.  It was a great bonus.  Who knew 4 extra hours with your husband could be so rewarding!?  Can you imagine that?  The next time I see and touch and hold my own husband will be into 2012!!  Next year!  But.......I'm in denial right?  So let's move away from that for now. 
Came up with this today:
Deployment
Emotions
Not
Invited,
Allowed, but
Litigated

    The kids are taking this well.  Emma seems to have a handle on this however I know my daughter and she will privately cry when she is alone, just like her Dad.  Michael is like me and will normally wear his heart on his sleeve so I know tonight without tears is actually positive.  He stated today "well i have one parent here at least so i'm ok".  Hmmmmm...is this maturity or is this something I should be worried about?  Time will tell. 
     Fantastic support coming from places I wasn't expecting.  Friends on Facebook who are in this with me...in the 'same boat" so to speak, a dear friend from Ontario I grew up with has shown tremendous empathy, a nice couple who live near me and have offered help whenever I need it, and I know work pals will support me for sure, working with military families day in and day out.  I appreciate each and everyone who has taken the time from their lives to have a moment of concern for my family and I.  It speaks volumes and will carry me through this just knowing they exist.

      I have been here before.  I have survived a 6+ month deployment away from my husband, so why is this one already so different?  I bawled for days for the last one...maybe the fear of the unknown triggered that?  I went to the jetty the first time and I watched for 2 hours as they forced Brian onto the ship without me, then watched as he slowly and I mean slowly, disembarked.  This time i avoided the jetty simply because I personally do not need to take the slow pain-staking goodbye that is inevitable.  Five more minutes with my husband is not worth the looks into each others' eyes begging for one last moment, one last emotional connection.  Some families need the official goodbye on the jetty and I respect that.  Some families need to hear the marching band  in the background play music that is situation-appropriate.  Some families need the surroundings of others all saying goodbye for what will seem like an eternity, and some families are okay with Media sharing their goodbyes with them, televising it for the world to see.  Dont get me wrong, I think media coverage will be phenominal during this deployment and beneficial for our families, showing the world that we suffer through these goodbyes so that they never have to.  But....the package deal is not for me.  I am ok missing it, i am okay with my decision to avoid it and I am good with how our "goodbye" moment went.  It was quick, left little time for tears and consisted of a warm embrace and quick kiss.  Simple. 

     I pray SIMPLE will also describe the next 6+ months that lie ahead.  Here's hoping..........
M