A Perspective

  ~Don't count the days, make the days count~
                                                                        -Muhammad Ali


     It's such an amazing process, blogging...where and how we get our personal inspiration.  I try to write when I am taught something meaningful to me.  I get my inspiration from others.  I sat last night on my couch wondering what in the world I was going to blog about because it had been a bit since my last entry.  I fell asleep with no answers. 
Then it hit me.......
     I was sitting at my desk at work, getting frustrated with the database I was trying to enter info into, when a small, soft spoken woman came up to me and said "can I ask you a personal question?"  Hmmmm this could mean anything....my mind instantly wanders with the possibilities....most of which are concerning.  She asks "I just had to shave my head, can you tell I'm wearing a wig?"  UGH.......my heart sinks.  She's such a sweet, pretty woman and no, I could not tell, and I say so.  I also add that I am a lisenced Hairstylist so the fact that I cannot tell, is a great thing! LOL  Instantly, she smiles, warms up and her posture goes from tight to relaxed.  Thankfully I said the right thing here. :)
     Her cancer treatment was taking her long locks, and as a form of "control in a very uncontrollable situation", she shaved her head.  Our chat went on from there, where she shared personal details and was truly remarkable to listen to.  Every single time she said something that was a perspective  of a SURVIVOR, not a cancer patient, I suddenly checked off in my own mind, all those silly concerns I have or the ridiculous whines and complaints that come from a LUCKY healthy person....me.
     I learned so much from her in that brief chat.  My heart didn't feel pain for her, it felt pride.  This stranger before me, explaining the strategies of sharing this experience with her 3 year old daughter as it happens, were absolutely incredible and inspiring.  She is a single mom...no family to speak of....doing this all alone....but she said to me, you do not need a mother or a father, sisters and brothers to have "family".  Hers are her friends and her daughter.  She has all the support she needs by sharing with those around her.  Support isn't black and white.  It is what you need in the moments, the days, to get you through.  For her today...I was that support.  In that moment, I was her "family".    It's humbling at times like this, when I am faced with "true suffering"  and not just deployment woes.  My pain and my agony will end the minute my husband comes home...some are not so lucky.  They have no end date....they live day to day moment to moment like we do in deployment, surviving minutes and hours just to get through.  For a cancer patient life is so uncertain and no guarantees....their source of pain is a life challenge not a situational one.  My client handled herself with dignity and poise.  She stood before me, a soldier of her own war...her body.  She was a fighter and it showed today.  For her......it's not Libya she tries to protect, it's her daughter.    For us left behind during this deployment, we try to fill an album of happy moments to remind ourselves we are strong and we can get through this with even a smile.....for her, the album of memories she is banking, will try to capture for her and her daughter, much more than this.  Her days are filled with activity and memories to remind her in the dark times that there is a light of hope.  Today, I was given a sneak peek at true strength and courage.  I will for the remainder of this trip, remind myself that we only succeed if we believe we can.  We only survive when we are ready to fight.  We can only be happy when we have witnessed true sadness,   and we only learn when we are open to lessons greater than our own teachings.
~M

The Unknown

    

     Have you ever waited for something not even knowing when exactly it will happen?  You know it will eventually and you are well aware how amazing it will be when it does.....but you have no clue exactly when to count on it to be so.  I think there is nothing harder than having a deployment where there is no true home date.  Some would think that opens up the possibilities to a near end and yet, it also could be longer than you ever imagined.  I'll be honest, I thought having no homecoming date would not be this difficult.  It has opened up my ears to rumours when some speak of an extension to the crew's Mission.  It has also opened up my hopefulness when the word out there is a closer return than I had initially thought. Yes, they will be gone a very long time......but there's something about that date of return for me at least, that signifies an end...a light at the end of a long tunnel....SOMETHING I can count on.  There are many, many things about this specific Mission that are left unsaid and that are unknown, even to some of the crew.  Being the family back home waiting, no end means no ability to accept.

     I accept that my husband will be gone a long time.  I accept he is doing a good thing out there and I accept that he will eventually be able to return home.  What I admittedly am struggling to accept though are the ever changing plans, the unknown and the indefinate END.  I think it`s human nature to create for yourself, an assumption or hypothetical scenario, as a form of consoling at a time when you have no real answers.  My biggest fear in life is the unknown.  Great!  So throw me into a world where it breeds the unknown and uncertainty :) That`s the way it is in the military afterall and of course what makes it a unique and exciting life.  What you don`t know, you try to assume.  What you don`t know, you speculate.  But what you don`t know....you just DONT know.  My Sailor often says to me the only real definate in this lifestyle is the indefinate.  He says, you`ll know when and where for certainty, once you`ve arrived.

    So far......he is right. XX

From Briefing to De-Briefing

"I dont know you very well, but I get you"

 

     I sit engulfed in a whirl wind of emotions.  Happy that a milestone and marker of time is upon me today, sad that I am facing it because my Sailor is away for long enough that I shall face more days like this, and excited for the brief and rare moments I am about to have with him.  This is a moment in time I shall cherish, hearing him say "I love you" not just reading the words in email text. 

     Yesterday was a prime example of the deployment rollercoaster.  You wake up sick to your stomach  because you are happy ....nervous....excited!....and sad all wrapped up in one.  Anyone who faces a family briefing like our families do, know exactly what I am speaking about.  The advantage of this sort of family briefing I speak of, is the loved ones back home are given a rare opportunity to hear the CO speak for an hour live.  This process is possible thanks to technology of today, and the live video teleconferencing capabilities of today's warships.  It was fabulous to sit and listen to him explain what the ship's crew is up to, and what they have already accomplished operationally since departure from home.  It also gives us the family, an opportunity to ask those questions you want so desperately to know the answers to.  For operational reasons, not a lot of answers were given as far as location, homecoming etc, but I still walked away feeling informed.  As the Commanding Officer of the ship spoke, I listened intently to him as if he were a Church Minister lol  His word is golden and I hung onto his every word.  That was the most important speech I shall hear in my books, for another month at least!

     Another additive to the briefing, is the opportunity to speak live via video chat with my Sailor!  Technical difficulties put a damper on that opportunity yesterday so no video of him speaking, but I could hear his voice on the phone for my valuable, sacred 10 minutes.  I swear, I have never seen minutes fly by so fast!  Why can't the days go that quickly?  It was wonderful to hear his voice!  With the phones not an option these days on board, calls from sea are not something we counted on for this trip.  Yet valuing the morale behind these brief moments between loved ones, the CO was very supportive of the one-on-one calls even though it meant the satellite feed throughout the ship was at a bare minimum to allow this.  Morale is good on board he said to us at the briefing, and I can see why.  Knowing he is respectful to the importance of family, the strength behind the uniform, makes all the difference to sailors on board. 
     What did we speak about for those precious and few moments together?  I had a list walking in so I would not waste time trying to remember or walking away going "shoot!"  The first 5 minutes was dedicated to getting details I needed, clearing up financial concerns and  updating him on the kids.  The last few moments were used to catch up emotionally as a couple.  Life is tough at the best of times, always feeling rushed day to day.  Life in the navy is even more so, spent on brief moments, cherishing the days you know you have together and those rare opportunities to slip into a world (even just for a moment) where you are just his wife and he is just the husband and life is good.....because you're "together". 
     Family briefings promise emotional highs and lows but I couldn't imagine a deployment without them.  What better way to feel included and supported than through team effort, a rally of support, and feeling overwhelmed at some of the news, only to look over at your peers and see the physical tears run down their face that you, yourself feel so intently.  "We are all in this together" is an understatement when surrounded by others who "get it". 
     A tradition I started last long deployment in 2008, has come to be another positive attribute this time as well.  That is the "de-briefing".  A group of those who care to take part, meet and over dinner and drinks, speak of the good and the bad that is upon us.  Luckily the majority of the debriefing dinner is filled with laughter, not tears.  It feels great to have the day past us, and celebrate the fact that life still goes on....  I truly believe the Lord above, specifically chooses those that surround you and it's how you present yourself to others that makes it a successful meeting or failure.  I really am growing fond of the other family members "in the same boat" because even though they are from all backgrounds and various levels of experience with deployment, they all contribute in some way, to my own success.  I could lay in bed and mope, or I could join in and make the best of these days. Seeing another laugh and wondering how can they when we are so overwhelmed, opens my eyes to the possibility of feeling something other than lonliness. Seeing the successes of those around me, in whichever aspect of their lives they continue to thrive in, makes me look at my own positives and rejoice in them.  Deployment is a test of faith, personal strength and a test of love and commitment.  I will and do, have bad days.  We all do.  I also trust that my peers dealing with this as well, would donate any strength I may need or request.  Like any other trauma of sorts, deployment brings together those that share in it and builds a bond stronger than some friendships that have matured for years. "I dont know you but I get you" is sometimes all you need out of a friend. :)
~M
    

Project Distraction!

    


     Everyday I hear the same question... "Mom, I'm hungry.  What's for dinner?"  What I want to say to my 12 year old son is "BAHAHAHAHA, great question!"  What I do say of course is, "how about you suggest something?"  I am not the world's most domestic woman you might say.  Sure I can fold laundry like the military standards if prompted, and I can certainly cut the grass like a trooper!  What I cannot do for the life of me is decide and produce a moderately fancy meal.  I try.....I fake it half the time and my kids LOVE me because we check out a local restaurant at least once a week.  There are a few recipes I can definitely produce. I do them well because I have taken the time at some point in my life, to produce these dishes to the best of my abilities.  It has paid off, my husband's number one comfort food is my home made  beef stew.  This dish takes me 3 hours to make!  Brian knows when he comes home from sea, that will be the first meal he eats.  I take comfort in this tradition as I am old fashioned believe it or not,  so why in the world can I not take comfort in the act of cooking?  Am I alone in this failed attempt at domesticating myself?  I am by far the opposite of Caroline Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie or of course the famous Julia Child.  I did make a pact that I would serve my children only healthy foods while Brian is deployed.  I have for the most part accomplished that without cooking everynight.  I should introduce myself to the slow cooker or the Joy of Cooking.  If I lived alone I would do very well on salads and soups.  But I am a mom, a single mom right now... so I stand here looking into my refrigerator and once again, panic. 
     My 16 year old suggested she learn to cook and I thought GREAT!  Bought her a cook book specifically for teens and I even bought strange ingredients that the receipes she chose required.  I have YET to eat.  :S  Like mother like daughter I suppose.  My 13 year old son realizes, being reminded regularly, that while Dad is away he is the "Man of the House".....so cook for me damnit!! LOL  No, that's a poor attitude to have......It's my job, I am the Mom here, I guess that makes me the "cook". 
    
     This is just one of many obstacles I do not take pleasure in being responsible for now that I am "Single Parenting" for the next half a year or more.  I want so desperately to buy a TV stand or a shelving unit for my remodelled bathroom.....screws and nails freak me out.....scare me.......what if I forget one?  What if I hammer my hand?  I agree, I should put my big girl panties on and be a woman.....take strength in knowing I am the sole survivor on Whitman Island during this deployment.  I am still trying to come to grips with knowing if I want something completed now, I am on my own to do so.
    
    That being said,  it has become tradition in my home, that when hubby is deployed, I take on a project  that I use as a distraction and a focus.  It's very important in my opinion, to use deployment as a time to reflect on your own self, make positive changes and find a positive place to put your energy. Since cooking will not accomplish this feat, I must look elsewhere.  Last time Brian went away, he came home to a remodeled ensuite bathroom.  This time.....our bedroom.

      I feel making a change is invaluable during this sort of a situation, when you are left behind to stare at your four walls.  A fresh start can definitely re-set your mind and for me, it gives me a fabulous distraction to the everyday woes of the emotional heart ache that goes along with missing someone.  I tend to work backwards which again, is OK.  We all move forward in different patterns and pace.  I started off on the right foot, the best foot...by doing none other than a day of  retail therapy!  Yes, I went shopping.  I bought a gorgeous dresser with the promise to finish our bedroom.  The problem was the dresser was to be delivered 3 days later.  With my daughter's help, I completely renovated the room in record time!  I am very happy with the results and I know my Sailor will be as well.  I admit, he will HATE the bed set though!   It is very frilly, but then again...........for the remainder of this deployment, the bed is all mine.  Why not make it the way you want?  This is the one time in my life I will not have to accommodate the male perspective!  I have always wanted a frilly and flower patterned quilt.  I am put in a position daily to be both Daddy and Mommy to our kids.  I am presumed to be the "fixer", the "nurse", the "counsellor" and the "chauffeur".  But I know that when the kids are tucked safely into bed, the house is clean and my Sailor is emailed, I can lay down in my big frilly pink bed and know that at the end of the day, I have some time alone to just be ME.
~M  

SUCCESS in small doses...

"The toughest thing about success is that you have to keep it up"

                                                                                                  -Mandi Whitman

    

It has been a bit since I last added a Blog entry and I will be honest as to why.  Firstly, I didn't want to be negative even though  I was feeling down.  The other reason was because I have so much I want to say, but either was unable to for security reasons with hubby's ship, or I just didnt know where to begin quite frankly.  Initially I had this great idea to only post things that were personal to me yet always end with a lesson or advice. As time is moving along in this deployment, I am realizing that I am human.  I am allowed to hurt, I am allowed to be down sometimes and I am allowed to talk about things that may not always be politically correct. But as a wise friend said, write how you feel no matter what that looks like.  so here I am again.

 

     Just recently, the ship went through the Panama Canal enroute to Lybia.  It was my second chance to watch as they went through the lochs.  There are cameras set up with live feed at different angle points.  I sat for quite a while while they waited to take their turn.  I almost gave up, when I suddenly saw the ship come into view.  There I was.....sitting, watching on a laptop screen what was a grey and almost red hued video feed that skipped every minute.  I was feeling excited and sad all at the same time, but definately an intense hour at my house!  I remember them being delayed which worked out perfectly for me, as it gave me time to get home from work to watch with the kids.  I can't believe I didnt get stopped for speeding!  Crazy isn't it?  For a camera shot?   In 2008 Brian joined the HMCS Calgary through the Panama Canal.  He was allowed outside on the brow, so through email I got him to go outside and wave into the camera at me. Loved that!  This time around, things seemed to move at a faster pace. They were in, and out faster than I would have liked but who am I? :).  It is interesting though, as they moved along and away from the camera's view shot, I felt a sense of longing and sadness sweep over me.  It was strange to feel this as I have already said my goodbyes.  But in some small way, it was another.  The reality of knowing we did not even share an ocean anymore.....we share only the moon......and that hurts a bit.  The fact of knowing this clearly demonstrated to me that they were STILL leaving....still moving away from home....was tough.  But as any wife would, I watched and I cried, and I watched more...until I could no longer see them in the distance.  Below is a picture I captured during these rare moments:

It's a bit blurry I know, but it was a fascinating web feed. 

     Onto their first port visit after this was taken.  It was a nice break for the Sailors I am sure!  I couldn't imagine being cooped up for so many weeks in one place.....one small rack to sleep on...but they are troopers!!   This recent port was two nights.  I booked hubby a hotel room so that we could skype together.  That was the first time we have tried that on our own devices.  In the past Brian either borrowed a laptop from a buddy or we just called each other.  The cell phone bills were outrageous!! Today's technology is like gold in my opinion.  I remember the days when one email a week was so precious, now I was able to chat for a couple of hours yesterday and today via web, and we felt like we were together.  It certainly makes deployments at this length manageable.  I appreciated every moment I had with Brian skyping.  Who knows when we will be able to do it again.  Today I feel like he just left but without the sadness and despair if that makes any sense?  I feel close to him and connected on an emotional and spiritual level, but I didnt have to say goodbye and start this whole process over.  4 weeks down in a couple of days....thats a month!  A month I never have to repeat is how I like to look at it.  Yes, I have many many more ahead of me, but I am finding it very important to live in the moment, say to myself  "this is here and now and you are okay".  I also find it extremely important to not look ahead.  When I look ahead, I stumble and trip.  When I look behind me, I am relieved and proud.  I am doing this, I am surviving.  However that looks to each of us and it does look differently to all... we are doing it......coping.  Sometimes thats all we can do.....some days coping alone is a successful day.  It didnt end up productive maybe, or happy, or full of joy, but it was completed and we are in one piece.  That's success!

Triggers

    

     Why is it that there are certain shows on tv, songs and even smells that trigger emotional breakdowns during Deployment?  You could be going through your day quite successfully, even smiling!...  then BOOM! some song comes on the radio and your emotions take over.  Have you ever walked through a department store and a man you've never seen before (or care to ever see again) walks by wearing the same cologne your husband wears?  Suddenly, you are fighting between the desire to follow them, desperate to hang onto the fragrance you long for, and running away as fast as you can, hoping and praying you never smell it again!   The emotional rollercoaster that stimulants take you on, can be quite overwhelming.  For me, the song "Open Arms" by journey is a trigger.  Our wedding song.....the song that carries the most emotions over any other.  I love to hear it yet hope I don't for the next 6+ months.  I actually have figured out which local radio station plays it the most, so I have stopped listening to it....silly isn't it?  The triggers are like train wrecks really.  I dread seeing, smelling or hearing them, yet when it occurs, I can't seem to draw myself away from them.  Sometimes, it's even after the fact when I reflect back, that I realize why I got so emotional at that moment.   Tonight, my trigger was the television show "Surprise Homecomings".  I know even before the plot unravels, I will end it with red swollen eyes and a longing for my own Homecoming, yet I torture myself, trying to prove that I am strong and can handle it.  So I watch...and am unsuccessful.
      It's the same primal instinct I think, that urges us into slowing down in order to take in the full fury of a head on collision.  Desire perhaps to see gore or even something traumatic is what draws you in, yet fear makes you want to run. I personally use the emotional triggers during my deployment experience to subconsciously allow myself to grieve.  What does that mean exactly?  Being the one left behind to keep going, stay strong, make it work......I won't allow myself to break down for the simple reason I miss my husband tremendously.  I find it easier to bawl my eyes out over a lame TV show rather than acknoledge my own weakness and my own pain.  Silly really, but it works.
     I wonder if our Sailors are finding it easier to deal,  being  away from their familiar surroundings and the things that bring on the raw emotions associated with deployment?  I have spoken to my hubby about this before.  I think thats what he meant when he said phone calls home are the hardest.  He loves to hear my voice and connect with me, but hanging up, saying goodbye AGAIN, depresses him.  I think triggers in people can also keep you emotionally distant as well.   I need the phone calls and hearing his voice to rejuvinate. He however, hates the emotions that linger after our goodbyes, so we battle with the act of talking on the phone.  That fear of sadness is what you try to avoid, yet the desire to connect is what draws you in.  Emotional triggers can be an on-going battle.   Of course, everyone is different and emotions are sparked from various stimuli in each of us.  What's fascinating though, is the natural human instinct to be drawn  simultaneously, to the same trigger that you know will leave you an emotional "train wreck".  Triggers for those of us left behind can vary greatly, but one thing is certain......each and every one of us shares something that unravels the layers we strategically created, simply to survive.   

Appreciation

    

     I started a Blog today about making changes and finding projects to do that keep us busy and focused.  I decided to talk about something else instead when a good friend of mine gave me some bad health news today.  Why talk about it?  Because that news certainly put things into perspective for me.  There was one time in my life I will never forget, when the importance of health was brought to my attention.  I was sitting at the dining room table of my mother-in-law's home a few years back, enjoying a family Sunday Dinner.  With complete innocence, we all began commenting about how tired we all felt lately...how work and school and the kids were dragging us down.  I too, was guilty of this.  My brother-in-law, 34 years of age, dying of cancer, turned to us and simply said "do you want to know what makes ME tired?  Facing day to day at 34 in a body that is as tired as one at 84".  The manner at which he said this was like a rock hitting me, time stood still and I suddenly was glad all I had to complain about were the kids and work.  Today was the same.  I am sitting here, stressing about car tires, money, work and life in general during this deployment, when others around me have REAL concerns.
    
     My husband is away for a very long time....but he'll return.  My kids are bored because they have run out of things to do and it's of course summer......but they are safe.  My work can be challenging like any other's....but I'm employed.  And my days are lonely, I'm sad and don't want to be in this deployment situation......but I am here, I am well.

     I think it takes times like this to make us step back from the day to day tasks, day to day woes, and really look at the big picture.  Time heals wounds, binds those separated and strengthens those that once were weakened.  But even time cannot alter health.  

"God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."
                                                        ~the Serenity Prayer

~M