Triggers

    

     Why is it that there are certain shows on tv, songs and even smells that trigger emotional breakdowns during Deployment?  You could be going through your day quite successfully, even smiling!...  then BOOM! some song comes on the radio and your emotions take over.  Have you ever walked through a department store and a man you've never seen before (or care to ever see again) walks by wearing the same cologne your husband wears?  Suddenly, you are fighting between the desire to follow them, desperate to hang onto the fragrance you long for, and running away as fast as you can, hoping and praying you never smell it again!   The emotional rollercoaster that stimulants take you on, can be quite overwhelming.  For me, the song "Open Arms" by journey is a trigger.  Our wedding song.....the song that carries the most emotions over any other.  I love to hear it yet hope I don't for the next 6+ months.  I actually have figured out which local radio station plays it the most, so I have stopped listening to it....silly isn't it?  The triggers are like train wrecks really.  I dread seeing, smelling or hearing them, yet when it occurs, I can't seem to draw myself away from them.  Sometimes, it's even after the fact when I reflect back, that I realize why I got so emotional at that moment.   Tonight, my trigger was the television show "Surprise Homecomings".  I know even before the plot unravels, I will end it with red swollen eyes and a longing for my own Homecoming, yet I torture myself, trying to prove that I am strong and can handle it.  So I watch...and am unsuccessful.
      It's the same primal instinct I think, that urges us into slowing down in order to take in the full fury of a head on collision.  Desire perhaps to see gore or even something traumatic is what draws you in, yet fear makes you want to run. I personally use the emotional triggers during my deployment experience to subconsciously allow myself to grieve.  What does that mean exactly?  Being the one left behind to keep going, stay strong, make it work......I won't allow myself to break down for the simple reason I miss my husband tremendously.  I find it easier to bawl my eyes out over a lame TV show rather than acknoledge my own weakness and my own pain.  Silly really, but it works.
     I wonder if our Sailors are finding it easier to deal,  being  away from their familiar surroundings and the things that bring on the raw emotions associated with deployment?  I have spoken to my hubby about this before.  I think thats what he meant when he said phone calls home are the hardest.  He loves to hear my voice and connect with me, but hanging up, saying goodbye AGAIN, depresses him.  I think triggers in people can also keep you emotionally distant as well.   I need the phone calls and hearing his voice to rejuvinate. He however, hates the emotions that linger after our goodbyes, so we battle with the act of talking on the phone.  That fear of sadness is what you try to avoid, yet the desire to connect is what draws you in.  Emotional triggers can be an on-going battle.   Of course, everyone is different and emotions are sparked from various stimuli in each of us.  What's fascinating though, is the natural human instinct to be drawn  simultaneously, to the same trigger that you know will leave you an emotional "train wreck".  Triggers for those of us left behind can vary greatly, but one thing is certain......each and every one of us shares something that unravels the layers we strategically created, simply to survive.   

Appreciation

    

     I started a Blog today about making changes and finding projects to do that keep us busy and focused.  I decided to talk about something else instead when a good friend of mine gave me some bad health news today.  Why talk about it?  Because that news certainly put things into perspective for me.  There was one time in my life I will never forget, when the importance of health was brought to my attention.  I was sitting at the dining room table of my mother-in-law's home a few years back, enjoying a family Sunday Dinner.  With complete innocence, we all began commenting about how tired we all felt lately...how work and school and the kids were dragging us down.  I too, was guilty of this.  My brother-in-law, 34 years of age, dying of cancer, turned to us and simply said "do you want to know what makes ME tired?  Facing day to day at 34 in a body that is as tired as one at 84".  The manner at which he said this was like a rock hitting me, time stood still and I suddenly was glad all I had to complain about were the kids and work.  Today was the same.  I am sitting here, stressing about car tires, money, work and life in general during this deployment, when others around me have REAL concerns.
    
     My husband is away for a very long time....but he'll return.  My kids are bored because they have run out of things to do and it's of course summer......but they are safe.  My work can be challenging like any other's....but I'm employed.  And my days are lonely, I'm sad and don't want to be in this deployment situation......but I am here, I am well.

     I think it takes times like this to make us step back from the day to day tasks, day to day woes, and really look at the big picture.  Time heals wounds, binds those separated and strengthens those that once were weakened.  But even time cannot alter health.  

"God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."
                                                        ~the Serenity Prayer

~M

 

Week of FIRSTS

    

The first week and first month are the hardest to face in any Deployment situation.  Tonight marks the end of my week of "firsts".  I survived the first hour, day, night alone, and most importantly, the first weekend!   I stayed strong for the most part, concentrating ONLY on the day at hand.  It was Friday night after work, coming home to what would normally be Brian chilling my favourite wine and the decision of whether to have take-out or maybe even a candlelight dinner......when it hit me like a brick wall.  If you do not know me already, I must let it be known, I am NOT, nor claim to be a cook.  In fact when I do make a meal, it is a very selective choice from my very limited menu.  All other items always end up tasting funny or are not appetizing.  We all have flaws and this one I choose to embrace :)   Lucky for me I married a man that finds cooking relaxing and enjoyable.  Yes, I know.....I got lucky.  My kids will spend the next 6+ months asking "not chicken again?" Emma, my 16 year old has decided she is ready to venture into the world of food creation and will be making the odd meal to help out.  Brian prepared many containers of his spaghetti sauce before his departure, so yes, my kids will survive. lol

     Reflecting upon this past week, I feel relief that it's over, surprised at how fast it went by and saddened at how many MORE I must face still.  I have spent this week pushing myself to go outside my comfort zone.  I refuse to sit at home this deployment and sulk, refuse to mope whenever possible and refuse to watch the days go by from my couch.  I am in this full swing, I am going to do the best I can to spend my days "in the moment" and not look ahead.  Tall order!

     Believe it or not, Deployment provides a small sense of the exact same feelings associated with death and loss.  Again, I respectfully say, small.  In both loss and deployment, you go through the stages of denial, anger, sadness, and finally acceptance.  My denial is a stage I think I am still in.  I know this because I have yet to cry.  Anger and sadness are always with me, peeking out from behind the bushes, so to speak.  I will be fine one moment and then something will trigger a bout of sadness or even anger.  Comparing my situation with others around me will be my weakest link this trip.  I need to stay away from comparing how many emails others get vs. myself and how many calls they get from sea when I may only get one...the guys out there at Sea all have a job to do and some have more time to themselves than others.  I have to remind myself that 5 calls vs. my one does NOT mean I am not as loved, it means my husband is not able to reach a phone or have a break long enough to stand in line for one.  I sure hope I can do it.  This will certainly avoid the regular occurance of the "anger" stage of deployment.  I know my husband will be home again, but when you suddenly lose the one person you count on, your side-kick,  it is like carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders.  It feels similar to stomach pain because you are so hungry, but it's not your tummy that feels hollow....it's your heart.
    
     Everyone handles this sense of "loss" differently.  Some work more, while others need time off to try and come to grips with the realities deployment brings.  Some need quiet time to reflect, while others (like myself) just need people around me to know that I am not alone and I am still okay.  Some wives can go 3 or 4 days without hearing from their Sailor and not think twice about it, while others panic when it has been 24 hours since they heard from them.  Again, this supports my statement that deployment is like a small death.  It's how we cope and keep moving along day after day that matters.  Time heals all wounds, but in this case, the wounds heal just in time for Homecoming! LOL 
     In the end, its the families left behind that I see suffering together.  If that means quietly or visibly, the pain and lonliness associated with deployment can either make or break you.  I choose to make the best of a situation.  Like in death/loss these are the cards I've been dealt and I choose to play them to the best of my abilities...if not for me, then for my kids.
     Onto the week of Seconds....  :)
~M

Because I "CARE"

WITH LOVE.......FROM HOME XXOO

    

      I am having a really hard time shutting my brain off at night.  I fight the exhaustion in fear that lying awake will make it impossible to avoid the bad thoughts....sad thoughts.....the crying.  Deployment has always brought out the "ugly cry".  Nobody looks good with the Ugly Cry!  So far I have not come face to face with that evil. 
     A panic came across deployment wives today......we were given 24 hours to collect items, package and seal if we would like it to reach the ship in Port  for distribution to our Sailors.  Usually a list of mail dates are  given well in advance from the Military Family Resource Centre.  This time with the operational requirements, a last-minute mail date was posted for TOMORROW!  I must admit....for me this is not panic time but excitement.  I absolutely love putting togther a package of favourites to send Brian's way.  Maybe not as much as he loves to receive it but I do really like collecting things to go.  What woman doesn't like to shop afterall? 
    In 2008, Brian was sent to the GULF and care packages served a great purpose during those long 6.5 months apart.  I started out by sending a letter, pictures, chocolate and candy.  As time went on, they became more extensive you might say.....I made him "cake in a jar" to arrive near our anniversary. It literally is just that.  The sealed jar allows for long travel and the ability to stay fresh throughout the heat, cold etc.  It was the best thing hubby says.  I can imagine  after months on board a ship, eating recycled meals day after day, cake was a treat to the taste buds he won't easily forget.  Other items I send along are gum, juice crystals ( to break up the constant taste of plain water), gym shorts, socks to replace the holy ones, letters and pictures.  Near the end of the deployment last time, I managed to send enough love letters and cards so that he had one a week until Homecoming.  I think secretly, he couldn't wait long enough and I have no doubt those cards never made it anywhere near home! LOL   The purpose behind "gifts from home" are to boost morale, send love, and provide comforts that are missed a great deal when they are taken away for months on end.  Thanks to our MFRC, care packages are sent for free!  There is no limit as to how many you send which is another bonus.  Brian describes them as "Christmas in Foreign Port".  I can imagine that being true.  Often times, I will send along an extra package of basics.....socks, candy and gum....even a card saying "thank you for your service".  There is nothing worse I can imagine, than seeing everyone around you getting care packages except you.  Single members are usually in this situation so I feel it very important to take a minute to show them people are thinking about them.  Even though we may be strangers, we are sharing a common bond.

     In my opinion, there is nothing greater than sending your love whenever you can.  Showing my Sailor I am thinking of him from afar, and having something to actually touch, open, see and smell that he knows was at his HOME at one point, has got to do so much for his spirit.  I couldn't imagine being away from home so long that you feel like a guest when you come back.  Sending these boxes of  love  is my best attempt in keeping my Sailor connected and grounded.  Even if he is far from dry land.
~M
    

From Family Gram to Satellite

"I love you and am missing you terribly.
XXOO,Whitty  "

   I am back to that place......the place where excitement of receiving an email in my inbox from sea means you are loved, you are thought of .......and I haven't even opened it yet!  I see it there and am so desperate to open it, hoping for an "I love you", "I miss you" and/or "I thought of you today".  Should I open it now?  Or do I wait and save it for just before bed...something to look forward to?   Oh, the joys of mail from sea!!

      In this day in age, military families are extremely fortunate.  It wasn't always this way.  Just 10 to 15 years ago when we first joined this crazy lifestyle,  Brian and his ship mates would be given an opportunity once a week to send a message back home to us.  The email was sent from the ship after it was viewed by proper authority, to our local Military Family Resource Centre.  The staff there would get in touch with us and we would march down to their office to read our one page email (roughly 25 words).   We, the wives left behind, were each given a designated time slot to arrive at the MFRC and read the email from sea ( called a family gram) there in the busy office.  Time would be given  to reply to our Sailor's email, and that would be sent back to him.  The catch was, your email was always scanned and read by MFRC Staff prior to sending, to ensure safety and security of the ship's crew and movements.  If the email made mention of port visits, ships' movements etc, the message was not deliverable.  You were very limited to what you could say of course, so that really restricted what I felt comfortable writing.  There was absolutely no privacy in this method!!.  I remember wanting to tell Brian about my bad days alone without him, but was never able to, in fear that I would be seen as "incapable" or "weak".  But when the Family Gram service is all you have for means of communication, you better believe I was there every Wednesday morning to send and receive mine! Only hearing from sea once a week, that message from Brian confirming that I was missed and loved, was very crucial to my morale.   Boy how times have changed in the last 10 years!  Now there is daily email, access to facebook, skype for Sailors while in port, and even a 30 minute phone card to call home every week,  via sattelite.  Sure beats the once a week Family Gram!! 

     Although this technology is available today, nothing beats the instant flutter in the tummy like seeing an email from Brian in my inbox first thing in the morning!  It provides not only a confirmation that he is okay out there battling Lord knows what, it grounds me.  It gives me motivation to face the day.....another day without him.  It is a daily reminder that although we must continue to face our days apart, for that one moment in time, we are connected through our words.  

~M

Confirmation

"One of the hardest parts of waking up in the morning, is remembering what you have been trying so hard to forget the night before"

     Reality continues to seep in.  This morning I awoke freezing cold..... alone.  Brian, my human heater, one that clearly my body temperature has become accustomed to, was definately "unplugged" so to speak this morning.  Not only was it Monday, a day nobody in the working world likes, but this Monday was particularly glum.  My internal clock woke me repeatedly last night and every time, a stab in my chest once again realizing I truly was alone.  In the wee hours of the morning is when I, under normal circumstances, start to worry about things and make mental lists of what needs to be paid, weeded, cleaned, and replenished in the fridge.   Now I am making lists of things that MAY go wrong, MAY break down and MAY even become too much for me to handle.  It becomes very clear it's ALL up to me now. 

     I spotted a nail inserted into the front tire of our new car today......lovely!  Received a call from my son while at work completely beside himself because he couldn't remove the memory card from the laptop.....beautiful!  Ordered a salad for lunch break, realizing I don't have my debit card on me or cash to pay.......awesome!  But these are the kinds of things that not only appear to come in threes, but remind me that I MUST take this day by day.  I cannot live with all the "what if's" when there are so many "now whats" appearing out of nowhere, needing immediate attention. 
     And then I come home.   The peaceful santuary I love to arrive at, the warm and inviting smile and smell of Brian's cooking, suddenly are replaced with cat litter, a teenaged boy and well.......you get my drift.  And amongst the new reality of what is "Home life" now, is a bouquette of my favourite flowers......freshly delivered and waiting for me.  It's the attention to details that I adore the most in my husband.  He KNEW I would hate coming home today....he KNEW I would feel alone even with my loving kids there waiting for me.....he KNEW me just as I am.  Taking care of me even hundreds of miles away is why I dont even think twice about living in this lifestyle.  It is full of ups and downs......surprises and the unknown.  But here I stand,  reading the simple note "I miss you already" and I am reassured again, why I chose this life, chose this man and thank God I am me.

~M



    



And so it begins.....

Fair Winds and Following Seas HMCS Vancouver. 

     Have you ever sat in a doctor's office waiting for test results, only to wait for what feels like an eternity?  Part of you is scared, unsure,  yet hopeful for something good to come out of it.  Part of you is eager to get the appt. underway so it is over and done with, while the other half is desperate for time to stand still because you are just so afraid of what possibilities lie ahead.....No doctor's appointment for me.....DEPLOYMENT....the Other big D word. But this morning waiting for the time where I had to drop off my Sailor at the ship felt exactly like that.

       I'd love to call today day one as i have officially embarked upon this new journey but yet I cannot call it day one until 24 hours have passed....right|?  Let's call it Reality part 1.  Have I cried?  no.  I really can't say why to be honest.  I thought I would, I started to hugging Brian for the last time today, but yet the tears are so deep down still, that I can't even allow myself to think about the reality of this new situation I must call NORM.....so no tears.
     There was a small fire on-board yesterday which i think was the reason the ship was delayed 4 hours from the marked sail time.  Good news for us.....4 more hours with Brian, and a 5pm Leave Expiry.  We managed to get brunch in, our favourite family movie, Napolean Dynomite, as well as a walk just Brian and I.  It was a great bonus.  Who knew 4 extra hours with your husband could be so rewarding!?  Can you imagine that?  The next time I see and touch and hold my own husband will be into 2012!!  Next year!  But.......I'm in denial right?  So let's move away from that for now. 
Came up with this today:
Deployment
Emotions
Not
Invited,
Allowed, but
Litigated

    The kids are taking this well.  Emma seems to have a handle on this however I know my daughter and she will privately cry when she is alone, just like her Dad.  Michael is like me and will normally wear his heart on his sleeve so I know tonight without tears is actually positive.  He stated today "well i have one parent here at least so i'm ok".  Hmmmmm...is this maturity or is this something I should be worried about?  Time will tell. 
     Fantastic support coming from places I wasn't expecting.  Friends on Facebook who are in this with me...in the 'same boat" so to speak, a dear friend from Ontario I grew up with has shown tremendous empathy, a nice couple who live near me and have offered help whenever I need it, and I know work pals will support me for sure, working with military families day in and day out.  I appreciate each and everyone who has taken the time from their lives to have a moment of concern for my family and I.  It speaks volumes and will carry me through this just knowing they exist.

      I have been here before.  I have survived a 6+ month deployment away from my husband, so why is this one already so different?  I bawled for days for the last one...maybe the fear of the unknown triggered that?  I went to the jetty the first time and I watched for 2 hours as they forced Brian onto the ship without me, then watched as he slowly and I mean slowly, disembarked.  This time i avoided the jetty simply because I personally do not need to take the slow pain-staking goodbye that is inevitable.  Five more minutes with my husband is not worth the looks into each others' eyes begging for one last moment, one last emotional connection.  Some families need the official goodbye on the jetty and I respect that.  Some families need to hear the marching band  in the background play music that is situation-appropriate.  Some families need the surroundings of others all saying goodbye for what will seem like an eternity, and some families are okay with Media sharing their goodbyes with them, televising it for the world to see.  Dont get me wrong, I think media coverage will be phenominal during this deployment and beneficial for our families, showing the world that we suffer through these goodbyes so that they never have to.  But....the package deal is not for me.  I am ok missing it, i am okay with my decision to avoid it and I am good with how our "goodbye" moment went.  It was quick, left little time for tears and consisted of a warm embrace and quick kiss.  Simple. 

     I pray SIMPLE will also describe the next 6+ months that lie ahead.  Here's hoping..........
M